Elian and Father Sent Back to Cuba, Strapped to Nuclear Missile

Fake News written by David Lee Deville on Sunday, April 16, 2000

from the it's-about-time dept.

"Elian has become one with the ozone layer," President says. "Now can we all please move on and talk about something else?"

MIAMI, FL -- Weeks of hype, publicity, and angry rhetoric ended yesterday when young Cuban boat boy Elian Gonzalez and his father were finally sent back to Cuba. With a twist.

The child and his father were strapped to a nuclear missile, which was then launched towards Havana. The flash from the explosion could be seen from virtually all over Florida, and the mushroom cloud was visible from as far away as Key West.

"It was the only way to make everyone happy in this case," President Clinton said in a press conference shortly afterwards. "Fidel Castro wanted the kid back, and I wanted to send him. Everyone knows how much I loved and admired Castro. But the Republicans and the Cubans in Miami hated him and would have nothing of it. So we compromised. Elian has become one with the ozone layer. Now can we all please move on and talk about something else?"

Presumptive Republican presidential nominee George W. Bush praised Clinton for his bold move. "Hey, Fidel wants the kid back? Well, here you go," Bush said from the campaign trail. "That's probably the first good thing Clinton has done in his presidency, although I must confess Monica was kinda hot. I applaud the President for vaporizing Fidel."

Some critics say that Clinton turned Havana into a plate of glass simply to distract the public from the current stock market gyrations. White House press staff firmly deny this allegation.

"Technically, we sent the boy back, which is what Castro wanted. At the same time, we leveled Havana and finished what JFK started at the Bay of Pigs. Everyone's happy, with the obvious exception of a very dead Fidel Castro and a million or so Cubans. All in all, I'd say this was a pretty good day," said presumptive Democratic presidential nominee Al Gore.

Pentagon officials assured the press that Elian and his father, Juan Miguel Gonzalez, were alive during the missile's trip. "This was a cruise missile, low altitude the whole way, so we're certain Elian and his father had a lovely ride back to their communist backwater hellhole. Kind of like an amusement park ride from Hell," Secretary of Defense William Cohen said. "I bet Elian never saw anything like that at Disney World."

"What's really cool is that with the current military technology, we were actually able to lock get an infrared lock on the tip of Fidel's cigar," said the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, General Henry H. Shelton. "We mounted a camera into the tip of the warhead, and you just wouldn't believe the look on Fidel's face just before the missile blasted him. It's classic. It makes some of the footage from the Gulf War look amateur. Look for this on your local 10:00 news."

CNN, CBS, NBC, ABC, MSNBC, and to a smaller extent, FOX News, are scrambling to fill their programming with stories other than Elian. Talk radio pundits nationwide are said to be pondering suicide.

At The Cape Rock, on the other hand, it's business as usual.