John Rocker's Birthday Now a Holiday in Sikeston

Fake News written by David Lee Deville on Wednesday, April 5, 2000

from the will-malone-avenue-become-rocker-drive? dept.

"The next step is to get that boy on the ballot for President," Mayor states.

SIKESTON, MO -- At last night's City Council meeting, Sikeston Mayor Orville Anderson signed a new ordinance declaring controversial baseball star John Rocker's birthday a holiday.

"We've already got Dale Earnhardt, Garth Brooks and Jeff Foxworthy holidays, and we figured it was time to give John Rocker his due," said Anderson. "From here on out, October 17th will be a day for everyone here in Sikeston to celebrate a famous native son of the South. The next step is to get that boy on the ballot for President."

Municipal holidays in Sikeston are normally commemorated by the local VFW's posting of Confederate battle flags along the major thoroughfares, and historical reenactments of lynchings from the highest tree downtown. This practice is controversial among those in the black community, especially when done on Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. The city tries to schedule these events as close as possible to the first and fifteenth of each month, when the black community is most content and less likely to erupt in outright rioting.

The new Rocker holiday on the 17th of October seems to fit well within that scheme.

The hard throwing left-hander Rocker has been a flashpoint of criticism, debate and generally a pariah since his now-infamous diatribe against minorities and immigrants in an issue of Sports Illustrated several months ago. Although he has been demonized by many liberals and minority interest groups, a backlash of pro-Rocker sentiment has been a surprising side effect.

"We can't keep John Rocker jerseys or t-shirts in stock," commented Effie Sue Dugan, assistant manager at the Sikeston J.C. Penney's. "They're selling hotter than even our traditional best-seller, overalls. He's a big hero among the trailer trash element."

"Kids had been getting in fights over who gets to wear Rocker's #49," admitted Sikeston High School baseball coach Leroy Zimmerman. "I finally just got sick of that crap and no one gets to wear it now. Except me."

"It's just really nice to see someone have the stones to tell it like it is," Mayor Anderson concluded. "If Mr. Rocker ever gets shit-canned by the Atlanta Braves for being politically incorrect, there are other options. He should know that some good, decent real Americans here in Sikeston think he's just hunky-dory. We can even probably get him a job at Lambert's if the need be. I bet he'd throw them rolls real hard."

Lambert's Caf? could not be reached for comment. But highly placed sources do say that they are in need of a left-handed roll-chucker to meet their affirmative action quota, which is currently overstocked with right-handers.