Chaffee Churches Agree: Pretty Much Everyone is Going to Hell

Fake News written by David Lee Deville on Tuesday, April 4, 2000

from the this-is-going-to-stir-up-controversy dept.

CHAFFEE, MO -- A conference meant to bring goodwill and understanding between Chaffee's different churches ended in a stalemate tonight.

Chaffee is home to roughly fifteen churches, many of which compete for membership and also feud on occasion. This meeting was dubbed as "The Olive Branch Summit", meant to bridge the differences between the congregations, promote tolerance, and provide a spirit of cooperation. Apparently it accomplished none of the above.

"We sat there and talked for hours, and all we did was argue," lamented Pastor Rick Jacoby of the Chaffee Third Baptist Church. "The only resolution that the entire council agreed upon is: `Pretty much everyone is going to hell'."

Preacher Bob Sutton of the Assembly of God Church (Pentecostal) wholeheartedly agreed. "All the churches have differing views on the concept of Hell. But believe you me, Pastor Jacoby and all his followers are in for a whiff of hellfire and brimstone unless they are saved by the evangelical spirit of Jesus. Don't even get me started on the Catholics, with their Mary-worshipping and idolatry. Hell, hell, hell, that's where they're going."

Father Jason Abernathy of St. Cletus Catholic Church apparently raised the ire of many of the meeting's participants by dousing Sutton with holy water during one spectacular tirade.

"I couldn't help it," Father Abernathy said after the conference. "One minute he was blasting Catholics for being pawns of the Pope, and then he started talking in tongues. I thought he was possessed, and the holy water might drive out the evil demon."

Inside sources for The Cape Rock indicate that Father Abernathy used a high-powered water gun as his delivery mechanism for the holy water, but details are sketchy.

"All we agreed upon the fact that our own particular religions were the only one true path, and that everyone else was basically doomed to eternal frying in the ol' skillet," Lutheran Minister Gilbert Essner admitted. "If you do the math, it's pretty depressing. That means that only 1/15 of Christians are going to Heaven. Don't even get me started on the billions of Muslims, Jews, Hindus, Buddhists, Mormons, Unitarians, Confucians, Pagans, and atheists in the world. Hell must be a huge place. Hopefully they're expanding to accommodate all the new arrivals."

"Oh, yes, Hell is a growth industry," Methodist Minister Brett Allgood said following the meeting. "I personally can't wait to see all the Episcopalians, Church of God, Church of Christ, Wesleyans, African Methodist Episcopalians, Copts, and especially those pesky non-denominational people eat some napalm straight out of Satan's colon."

"We all love Jesus," Preacher Larry Bud Brinkman of the United Divine Holy Temple of Ozark Snake-Handlers chipped in. "We just all think that our particular Jesus is better than everyone else's Jesus. It's like a big holy-rolling pissing match."

"Killing for Jesus is an age-old tradition that unites Christians, and I wish we'd get back to that," admitted Presbyterian Minister Michael Mabrey. "The Crusades were good like that. The Christians, with all their own differences, were able to forget all about that and disembowel some towel-heads. We need another Crusade. Maybe we can pick on some obscure, defenseless aboriginal tribe and nuke them in the name of the Lord."

"All in all, though, you have to admit that maybe being an agnostic is underrated," conceded Seventh Day Adventist Pastor Dan Zeller. "All this disagreement between even Christians makes you wonder if maybe hedging your bets isn't a bad idea."

Jehovah's Witness Pastor Jeb Carter also was supposed to attend the meeting, but was unavailable for comment. He was arrested for soliciting material and harassing customers at the Rhodes 101 Stop Convenience Store before the conference even began.

In a related story, Hell's stock rose by almost 15% on today's Dow Jones.