Business Is Booming In Neckred County

Larry Cooner on Saturday, April 1, 2000

from the umemployment-is-down-to-15-percent! dept.

Howdy y'all. I'm Larry Cooner, and I'm gonna be reportin' the news from Neckred County. This is my first column, so bear with me. Today I'm writing about all the new businesses that have opened down here in Missouri's lesser-known county. A new BBQ restaurant, TV station, factory, and legal office are all openin' fer business.

I s'pose I need to introduce myself first, though. I'm Larry Cooner, county Dog Catcher elected in 1994. I used to live the fast life in California, but moved here to get away from the material world of the Left Coast and get back to my roots. Now, a lot of people call me crazy for moving back to Swampeast Missouri... but I tell ya, I like hunting and fishing and trapping and shooting targets. I might live in a double-wide now, but I don't have to work 80 hour weeks to pay for my SillyCon Valley home.

Oh, and you might be wonderin' just where Neckred County is. Well, you see, it's not on most maps. It's so small and insignificant that most mapmakers don't even know it exists. If you look real hard on yer Rand McNally you might just make it out... it's somewhere between Wayne and Bollinger Counties. Can you find it? There ain't many roads down here, just paved State Road ZZ and a bunch of gravel county roads.

Anyways, Redton, the county seat, population 1,332, is experiencing a real growth spurt. Fer instance, Bob's All-You-Can-Scarf Restaurant, which opened across from the building that houses the city hall, courthouse, police station, and tax collector on Main Street, is now open for business. It's destined to become a county landmark, right up there with the Poplar Tree That Daniel Boone Might Have Touched and Bo-Ray's Duct Tape and Barbed Wire Collection.

What's special about Bob's Restaurant is that it offers an all-you-can-scarf BBQ buffet for $9.95. If you can eat a full 10 lbs. of ribs, then you get your name posted on the Hall of Fame and you get a gift certificate for laundry service over at Doreen's Laundry Company (Doreen is Bob's second wife). They also offer unlimited refills on Stag for $2.95, however people declared as "Town Drunks" by the city council are ineligible. Oh, and city ordinance requires that you be at least 12 to drink alcohol within city limits.

And Bob's isn't the only new business to open up. Y'see, we're getting our very own television station, KRED-TV Channel 9, an HHN (Hee Haw Network) affiliate. Now we don't have to put up with Channel 12's "Weather Where You Live" that never mentions Neckred County. KRED is s'posed to have farm futures, weather forecasts, and hunting reports updated ev'ry 15 minutes, which I'm really a lookin' forward to. Oh, and Jimbo's Ag Hour and The Gossip of Neckred shows should be good.

Industry is movin' in as well, which is a nice change since the shoe, chocolate, hat, and mobile home factories all closed in the 90's. A new factory that produces "Stumped On Phonics" learning packages for kids is opening up over in Kudzu Hollow. From what I've heard via the rumor mill, Stumped On Phonics doesn't teach kids how to read, it teaches them how to cheat on tests so that they don't need to know how to read.

The one business I'm not real happy to see move in is the Lowe & Morals Law Firm. Y'see, Mr. Noah Morals, Jr., the owner, is the son of a real sleazy lawyer in Seattle. There's already another lawyer in this city, Mrs. Sue Peena, and I'm afraid that this town isn't big enough for the both of them. I can just see them filin' a bunch of lawsuits against each other and clogging up the county court which is only in session once a month.

Well, that about wraps it up. I just got a call from some lady over in Unfairdealing about a pack of killer beagles on the loose, so I better run over there and catch 'em. Next time I might talk a little about Neckred County's rich history or something. Until then, I'm Larry Cooner saying "Bye Y'all" from Neckred County.