SEMO Thrilled by NCAA Tourney Loss

Fake News written by David Lee Deville on Saturday, April 1, 2000

from the another-excuse-to-raise-tuition dept.

"We can't wait to get beat by an even bigger school next year," President says.

CAPE GIRARDEAU, MO -- The students at Southeast Missouri State University are ecstatic about the men's basketball team's first trip to the NCAA Division I Tournament, and subsequent loss to LSU. The administration, however, can only be described as jubilant.

"We are so proud of our team," said SEMO President Richard Hedd during a recent interview. "It just shows that a really good Ohio Valley team can almost beat a mid-level SEC team on an off-day. It's so inspiring."

SEMO Provost Josephine McCarthy wholeheartedly agrees. "This whole thing just proves we were right in going Division I several years ago. We'll trade any realistic chance at winning a national championship for the opportunity to be used as a first-round Division I doormat any day."

"This just does such tremendous things for the university's image, and recruiting,? McCarthy said. "I mean, it's such an honor to even play on the same court as a big school like Louisiana State University. Honestly, a school that big shits bigger than SEMO. We really should be thankful that they were nice enough to even show up and pretend to care about playing a little no-name school like us."

"My only regret is that we didn't get a 16th seed, so we could have gotten throttled by a truly obscenely large college like Duke or North Carolina," Head added. "Getting SEMO's name out there in such a high visibility event as the Big Dance might boost our enrollment from 8500 up to maybe 8520, if we're lucky."

Student Government President Buddy Stephens echoes those sentiments. "It's always better to serve in Heaven than to rule in Hell. And Division I is heaven, even if we play in a mediocre conference and never have a snowball's chance in hell of winning it all. I mean, face it. Everyone knows SEMO will never go all the way. Monkeys would fly out of my ass if that ever happened. But I'll take a loss to the big boys any day."

"We envision SEMO as the next Gonzaga or Tulsa, you know. A smaller school that maybe even wins a game or two in the tournament someday, teasing their fans, only to end up then getting thoroughly shellacked by a powerhouse school."

"Now that we've shown we can get beaten on national TV by a large Division I school, now we can justify having Division I tuition," said President Hedd. "This glorious defeat will result in Division I tuition, Division I student activity fees, and... you guessed it... Division I parking fees. We're in the big time now, you know."

The administration is planning to take the basketball team to the next logical levels. "Next year, we're going to schedule a series of games against the Harlem Globetrotters so we can get blasted and amused at the same time," said Provost McCarthy. "In 2002 we plan on applying for admission to the NBA as an expansion franchise, so we can really get creamed by the cream of the crop. The sky's the limit from here."