East Prairie School Board Bans Wrestling Clothing and Trash Talk
Fake News written by on Saturday, April 1, 2000
"It's time to lay the smack down," Principal says, before riot ensues.
EAST PRARIE, MO -- East Prairie's School Board banned all pro wrestling clothing and slang talk from it's hallways during their weekly meeting this last Monday night. Strong protest from the Student Council resulted in a melee during the meeting that left several participants injured.
"Listen up, jabronies. It's time to shut your mouths and know your roles," School Board president Bub McClard told the student protesters after the vote was taken. "Can you smell what The Bub is cookin'?"
"Listen up, slapnuts," Student Council President Dale Wayne Fletcher replied. "I have only two words for you bunch of roody-poo candy-asses: suck it!" The 17-year old Fletcher then applied a Jack-Knife Powerbomb to the 58-year old McClard, setting off the a riot involving over twenty students and fifteen adults. East Prairie Police were able to finally break up the scuffle, but not before several folding chairs and metal trashcans were used as weapons.
"This is why we wanted this sort of stuff banned," McClard said from his hospital bed after the incident. "Pro wrestling is such an awful influences on our children. Their language is filthy, it promotes violence, and to be honest it just plain hurts to be driven through a wooden table."
Wrestling "gangs" have recently been a problem at the high school, local sources say. A group of young female students calling themselves "The Ho Train" has been convicted of prostitution during this crackdown. Other various groups modeling themselves after pro wrestling cliques have sprung up, and crime is on the rise in this small Bootheel town as a result.
Parents have demanded more action, but local authorities have hinted that the parents themselves are often part of the problem.
"The parents are watching and emulating wrestling, too. They're just too embarrassed to admit it," Police Chief Clyde Petty states. "We've had fights in the local bars just over someone saying `Have a Nice Day', which as everyone knows, is a staple catchphrase of wrestler Mick Foley. Then other day at the Safeway, a guy even got choke-slammed just for wearing an N.W.O. t-shirt. But he kind of deserved that. Everyone knows WCW just plain sucks."
The mayor of East Prairie, who recently changed his name to "Stone Cold Rattlesnake Hell Yeah 3:16" declined to make a statement from his hospital bed in Cape Girardeau. He is currently suffering from an unfortunate case of The People's Elbow.