Man apologizes for not wearing "lucky" Cardinals shirt

Fake News written by Martha Throebeck on Friday, April 1, 2011

from the let's-try-to-avoid-any-violent-mob-confrontations dept.
CAPE GIRARDEAU -- Local resident Bart Dubeldorf apologized today after he accidentally forgot to wear his lucky Cardinals shirt on Opening Day, breaking a tradition that lasted 10 years. As a result of his mistake, the team lost its Opening Day matchup following an 11th-inning meltdown. The bad luck continued today when it was announced that outfielder Matt Holliday needed an appendectomy and will be out of the lineup for an indeterminate period.

Man Hospitalized After Drinking From Expired Water Bottle

Fake News written by Martha Throebeck on Friday, March 4, 2011

from the step-away-from-the-plastic-bottle dept.
JACKSON, MO -- It didn't seem like that big of a deal. Bob Schmuckley grabbed a water bottle from his fridge and guzzled it before his morning walk, something he does every day. But this wasn't an ordinary bottle. It had expired the previous week.

School evacuated because of second-hand smoke

Fake News written by Martha Throebeck on Monday, February 28, 2011

from the won't-somebody-think-of-the-children? dept.
CAPE GIRARDEAU -- Students at Cape Central Junior High enjoyed some excitement today when the school was evacuated following reports of second-hand smoke from a passing smoker. Just after 1 PM on Monday, a pedestrian was spotted puffing a cigarette while walking down Independence Street. The man disappeared before he could be stopped, but all students and staff were immediately sent home as a safety precaution.

Missouri To Host Little Miss Fetus U.S.A. Beauty Pageant

Fake News written by Martha Throebeck on Monday, February 1, 2010

from the a-real-million-dollar-baby dept.
ST. LOUIS -- Now children don't have to wait until they are 3 or 4 years old to participate in a major beauty contest. Thanks to the first annual Little Miss Fetus U.S.A. Contest to be held next month in St. Louis, it will be possible for babies to win prizes and fame while still in the womb.

Haiti Relief Money Accidentally Sent To Hayti

Fake News written by Martha Throebeck on Saturday, January 30, 2010

from the million-dollar-typo dept.
HAYTI HEIGHTS, MO -- One little typo was responsible for sending $1.6 million in charitable donations to the beleagured town of Hayti Heights instead of the beleagured nation of Haiti. Intended to be used to secure clean drinking water in Haiti, the money will instead be used to secure clean drinking water in Hayti Heights.

SEMO: Please Park Illegally, We Need The Money

Fake News written by Martha Throebeck on Monday, October 27, 2008

from the creative-funding-sources dept.
Are you a college student who diligently obeys the parking regulations on campus? How dare you, cheapskate! By avoiding parking tickets, you are depriving the university of a valuable revenue stream.

Parking fines at Southeast Missouri State University have decreased 15% during the last year as more students have finally gotten a handle on the college's arcane parking regulations. Endorses What's-His-Name, The Libertarian, For President

Editorial written by James Baughn on Thursday, October 23, 2008

from the bet-you-didn't-expect-that dept.
In previous years, we've held our noses and voted for the lesser evil.

But this year? Both candidates suck equally.

NCAA Dispatches "Enforcement Squad" To Rewrite History

Fake News written by Martha Throebeck on Tuesday, June 24, 2008

from the national-cartel-for-athletic-avarice dept.
CAPE GIRARDEAU -- Let the book burnings begin. This week, the NCAA® handed down the punishment for recruiting violations in the SEMO womens basketball program: the elimination of two seasons from the record books. Now it's up to the NCAA Enforcement Squad(tm) to make sure that all references to these games are completely wiped from history.

Wal-Mart To Offer In-Store Chapels

Fake News written by Martha Throebeck on Sunday, June 15, 2008

from the we-bless-for-less dept.
BENTONVILLE, ARKANSAS -- After successfully conquering groceries, automotive, and even medical care, Wal-Mart is set to announce an expansion into another industry: religion. The retailer will open in-store chapels at 50 select supercenters across the Midwest, offering a full range of spiritual services at discount prices.

Cape To Capitalize On Federal Courthouse Disaster

Fake News written by Martha Throebeck on Sunday, March 16, 2008

from the maybe-it-will-see-some-use dept.
CAPE GIRARDEAU -- The towering eyesore on Independence Street -- rumored to be a Federal courthouse -- could make the city a fortune. Tourism officials hope to highlight the courthouse as "America's Biggest Boondoggle" and attract visitors curious to see this pinnacle of Federal incompetence.

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